The Dreams We Left Behind
by MyJediLife
Summary: Things have changed for Kylo Ren since the Battle of Crait. He has come to terms with all the destruction he has wrought on the Galaxy and his family and friends, and has come to the realization that being the Supreme Leader of the First Order and Master of the Knights of Ren is simply not something he wants any longer. Finding what - or who - he does want; however, may prove to be
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

The hum of lightsabers could be heard in the square, a sea of black and red clad warriors as far as the eye could see, each wielding their weapons, poised to move on a moment's notice. All eyes were trained on me, awaiting their orders. I stood on a raised dias, looking out over the square at the warriors I had trained, the new Knights of Ren, trained to bring order to the Galaxy.

And then I thought of her, of my light. The one thing that brought a spark of hope to my broken soul, brought hope to my dark heart. If I did this, if I continued on the path I had started so many years ago, I would destroy her and everything she loved. I could still picture her face as the door of the Millenium Falcon closed, the longing in her eyes that was mirrored in my own as she shut me out of her life.

I turn, nodding to Hux as I walk back into the base, inspection of my troops now complete. My cape sweeps behind me, my boots thudding along the path as I walk. People give me a wide berth as I pass, as if they know to leave me alone or face the full fury of my wrath. I let Hux give the speeches – I care not for long, drawn out speeches about how the First Order will bring the Galaxy to its knees. It sickens me, the plans Hux has tried to bring to fruition. I care nothing for ruling – I care for little now that she is gone. She is everything – the light in the dark, and I am nothing without her.

I enter the darkness of my quarters within the cold, imposing looking base, determined to finally do what I must to bring peace to my soul. I need to find Rey, wherever she might be in the Galaxy, and I need to tell her that I am hers – heart, body, mind and soul. I will walk beside her gladly into the light. If only she will have me.

If only I am not too late.

Please don't let me be too late.

I fear what might happen if I am.


	2. Searching For The Light

I sit at my desk in my quarters, the rage within me a tight coil in my gut. For months now, Armitage Hux has been toying with me, testing me to see how far he can go, how much he can get away with before I snap. I clenched and unclenched my fists, struggling to keep the anger burning within my soul where it should be. I must deal with him, swiftly and surely, and he must know to never supersede my orders again. I am, after all, the Supreme Leader, he simply a General under my command.

I stand, opening the door to the passageway with a sweep of my hand. The Force is thrumming around me, my anger fueling it. I know I could kill everyone in this wing of the _Supremacy_ , my anger fueled by the Dark Side enhancing my powers to an almost unmanageable level. Snoke had taught me well, and as I stalked through the passageways to the command module where I knew Hux would be, my anger made everyone take a step back, their fear adding even more fuel to the inferno that was my anger.

Reaching the command center of the ship, I call my lightsaber to my hand almost without thought, lighting it and coming to a stop just in front of Armitage Hux, my eyes narrowed to slits and my voice gravelly and low as I reach out with the Force, using it to guide my lightsaber so that it just grazes his cheek before coming back to my waiting hand before I speak. "When did I instruct you to send Star Destroyers to Chandrila, General Hux?" His eyes widened with fear as a stream of blood started a slow trickle down his face. "I-I detected a weakness in their shield generator, S-Supreme Leader," he stammered, taking a few steps back from me. Lifting my free hand, I reached out towards him, sending the Force out once more to close around his throat. Squeezing my hand into a fist, I used enough strength to make breathing difficult while I made my point perfectly clear to him. "You are never to supersede my orders again, General Hux, nor are you to ever make such a decision on your own, or I will track down everyone you have ever held dear to you and execute them before your eyes, do you understand me? I expect you to recall the Destroyers post haste." All he could do was nod, his eyes bulging slightly as he struggled to breathe, the blood dripping off his chin onto the collar of his uniform. Letting go of his neck, my hand went back to my side, and I turned to leave, throwing one last remark over my shoulder as I did so. "I do so like our little chats, General."

I was certain he would be working to find a way to rid himself of me – he had already tried on several occasions. I didn't let him know I was on to his antics, of course, but I was growing more and more weary of his games as the days passed. I needed to find a way out of the mess I had created for myself. I had no delusions of grandeur any longer. Snoke had whispered so many lies in my ears as a teenager, and even more as he trained me in the ways of the Dark Side. Until I met Rey, I thought my destiny was the First Order.

The door to my quarters opened with a soft hiss, and I sighed deeply as I entered, knowing I could finally try to calm myself in the quiet solitude. My thoughts turned to Rey, and I glanced at the chrono on my desk. It had been five months since Crait, five long months without feeling her touch on my mind through the Force. I had thought at first that maybe our Force bond had died along with Snoke, but I quickly realized that was yet another lie he had told me. The Force bond had been created in some other manner – not by Snoke. My mother and my Uncle, they had always had a saying – _There are no Force wants what the Force wants. Trust in it._

I have to wonder – does the Force still want me with her. I had seen it, of course. She and I, fighting side by side. I had thought that maybe it had been the Throne Room battle, where we had taken out all the Praetorian Guards after I cut Snoke in half, but no. This had been a different landscape. I, of course, had brushed off what I had seen at the time. There was simply no way I would ever be fighting by her side. She would, of course, be ruling by my side – not the other way around. How could I have been such a fool? How could I have let her light just float away like it meant nothing? I hadn't lied to her in the Throne Room – she was nothing to most people on Jakku, but not to me. To me, she was salvation. She was everything. And now she was gone, and the emptiness I felt was eating me alive.

Sitting on my bed, I crossed my legs and closed my eyes, sending the Force out from me, hoping that I could sense her presence somewhere in the Galaxy. At least that might give me a sense of comfort that I was so desperately seeking.


	3. The Light In The Darkness

It had been five months already since the battle of Crait, and we had barely managed to make it off the planet, our ranks so severely decimated that I didn't see how we would ever rebuild. Leia still held out hope, though, as she knew our distress signal had been received by those who might be able to help. Our new base of operations was in the Outer Rim, a place Leia hoped would keep us from being detected while we rebuilt. She never gave up hoping, which was what made her such a good Leader.

It had been five months, and his face still haunted me.

I had come to know his family intimately in these last five months. His sister, Jaina, her twin, Jacen, and their younger brother, Anakin, had all taken me in and welcomed me with open arms. Ani had been closest to Ben, and I find myself drawn to him. We both lost something when Ben turned away from the light – he lost his big brother and his main confidante, and me – I lost something that I never knew I ever wanted. His family had been devastated when Ben left, and the death of Han at his hands – I can't even fathom the depths of their anguish. Still, they all hold out hope that Ben will return to them, and they have forgiven him. They know all too well how the Dark Side lies and manipulates people, twisting them into a being that the people they once loved don't even recognize anymore.

Leia even keeps a room for Ben wherever they were staying for when he comes home. The hope she holds in her heart warms me, inspiring me to try and grow stronger in the Force so that I can help the Resistance more. I have been training with the Solo children, and I can feel my power within the Force growing with each practice session. I consider them my family now, and the more time I spend with them, the more stories I hear about the real Ben Solo – not the twisted, manipulated person that is known as Kylo Ren – the more I find myself drawn to him. There is light in him still, and oh, how I want him to see that somehow. I would gladly stand beside him again, but this time fighting against the people who want to make the Galaxy bow down to them. We make a good team, Ben and I, surely he had seen that when we fought the Praetorian Guard after he killed Snoke to save my life. Ben wasn't stupid, he had a shrewd, intelligent, quick mind that I had found intriguing in the short time I had been inside it. His family told me stories of a man who loved to learn about pretty much anything, a man who had wanted to be a pilot just like his Dad… a man who loved his family fiercely until Snoke had gotten to him.

A man I wanted to know.

A man I wanted to love.

How can I ever make that happen? I haven't felt the touch of his mind through the Force in months, but I know he is still out there somewhere, on one of the Star Destroyers somewhere in the Galaxy. Does he think about me? Does he wonder if I am thinking about him? Or has he tossed me aside, an insignificant piece of collateral damage in a time of war?

Somehow, I know that's not true.

I think Ben Solo cares deeply about me, in parts of him he is scared to explore because he knows that the façade of Kylo Ren is all a lie perpetrated by Snoke.. by the Dark Side…. By lies and manipulation. That's not the man he is, not anymore.

Someday, he'll see that.

Yes, Ben, I still see us standing together.

I wish you could see it, too.


	4. Distractions

I fell back on my bed, disappointed that I hadn't found her. Shouldn't she be easy to find? Her light was so comforting, so bright… and the void of not encountering it was something I felt like an ache in my soul that never went away. Nothing on this Star Destroyer would make it go away, not the alcohol I drank nor all the training I did to keep my mind off things. Before I had met Rey, beating the kriff out of a poor, harmless slave had felt good, the raw power I felt afterwards was almost as good as sex to me. And taking one of the slave girls that Hux kept for he and his men's more banal desires into my bed had been refreshing before I met Rey as well. Now, all I wanted was her.

A light knock sounds on my door. Huffing in annoyance, I send a small wave of the Force out, rolling my eyes as I detect the presence of Avlin, a young slave girl from Dantooine that used to grace my bed on more than one occasion. Nightly, it seems, I have one of them knocking on my door to see if I need their 'services'. I know that spending a night with the Supreme Leader is worn like a badge of honor among them, but the thought of it disgusts me.

"What do you want, Avlin?" I say in a growl as I wave my hand, using the Force to slide the door open. She steps into the room, her eyes on the ground for a moment before bringing them up to meet mine. She can sense my mood, I suppose, because she stammers over her words. "I…I was ch-checking to see if the Supreme Leader is in n-need of my..s-services tonight?" I look her over once, remembering that she was quite capable when we were together, but finding none of the desire I once felt for her rising to the surface. "Go away, Avlin. I am sure one of the other men wants you. I don't." My voice is cold as I speak, my words as sharp as a kyber crystal. Backing away, she lowers her head, her voice quaking as she replies, "Y-Yes, Supreme Leader" as she leaves.

Letting out a growl as I close the door behind her, I stalk to my stash of Corellian brandy, pouring myself a glass and drinking it in one swallow as I try to drown out the thought of her. I know it will never work, but I don't know what else to do. After I drain the decanter, I sit on my bed once more, knowing that if I could just feel the brush of her mind against mine, if I could just bask in that brilliant light and all the colors I knew to be hers and hers alone, I would feel some relief somehow.

Where are you, Rey?

Do you think about me at all?

Because no matter where I am, I am thinking about you.


	5. After All This Time

I toss and turn in my bed, unable to sleep. I still find it hard, even when imagining my ocean and the island that I know knew was Ahch-To. Every time I closed my eyes, well, my mind went to a place it shouldn't go – a place where Ben and I shared much more than a Force bond, a place that I found myself desperately wishing was my reality. I know I shouldn't have thoughts about him, he had made his choice, after all, and I mine. Still, I wondered what it would be like to be held in those strong arms. I wondered what it would feel like to have his lips against mine. Does Ben ponder the same things in the middle of the night? I know he doesn't sleep well either, I had seen that much when I was in his head.

With a small huff of frustration, I get out of bed. I'm not sure exactly what I will do, I just know I need to be up and moving, instead of laying in bed thinking about someone who I will never see again. As I stand, I feel a familiar pull, and my surroundings change, the walls darkening as I catch a glimpse of Ben, sitting on what looks to be a bed, an empty glass in one hand, and the other hand cradling his head.

I gasp softly as I realize he is shirtless, willing my eyes to stay on his face and not wander down his half clothed body. "Ben?" I say softly as his head rises, his sad, soulful eyes coming to mine. "Finally," he says softly, standing and putting the glass on a table next to an empty decanter as he crosses the room until he is standing in front of me. "I wasn't sure if the bond had been closed after he died," Ben's lips twisted as he said 'he', and I could sense a flash of hatred and anger as he thought about his old Master.

I stayed still, my eyes locked with his. "What do you want, Ben? It's not like we have much to talk about," I said, my voice filled with what I hoped sounded like indifference. Inside, though, my brain was warring with my heart – a battle I thought I had put to rest back on Crait when the door of the Millenium Falcon shut and I could no longer see those expressive brown eyes of his.

"You left me. In the Throne Room." Those eyes. Oh my stars, those brown eyes of his were going to be my undoing. I could sense his feelings of rejection, of fear that he would be alone always, even after I had assured him he wasn't alone. I wanted desperately to reach out and touch his face to comfort him, but instead I willed myself into standing as still as one of the marble statues I had seen holos of on Coruscant. Biting my bottom lip to try and keep the tears I could feel building at bay, I jutted my chin up defiantly and nodded. "Yes. I did. I wasn't about to be killed by your underlings on some First Order Star Destroyer."

Ben nodded, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as his eyes watered. I reached out, not able to stop myself, and touched his face gently, my hand warm and soft against his pale, cool skin. "I don't want to be a ruler, Ben. And I won't let the darkness take hold of me. Look what it's done to you, Ben! You have people here, people who love you, and we.. I mean.. they just want you home." Ben leaned into my touch, his eyes closing for a moment as I spoke. As I stumbled over that one tiny, miniscule word – 'we' – his eyes snapped open and widened slightly in surprise. I was hoping he hadn't heard my mistake, but I couldn't lie any longer. I did care for him, I cared deeply for this tall, imposing man who was on the other side of an expanse so deep and wide I didn't know how either of us would ever bridge it to find the other.

"You said I wasn't alone," Ben said softly, his face turning slightly so that his lips planted a soft kiss to my palm. The feel sent a jolt of lightning through me, straight to my core. My heart beating wildly in my chest, I nodded. "You're not."

And then the bond snapped shut, leaving me panting, my hand still stretched out with the feel of his lips still lingering on the skin of my palm.


	6. Nightmares and Revelations

Another sleepless night spent tossing and turning. Even a whole decanter of Corellian brandy hadn't helped me find relief – every time I closed my eyes, hoping desperately to find sleep, the nightmares came to torture me again. My thoughts turn to her, of course, my light in the darkness and the only person in the Galaxy that I would give almost anything to see again. I know she despises me as much as she is intrigued by me. We understand each other, yet we are so far apart I don't think that we will ever be able to find a common ground to tread on. Why, then, do I want her so badly? Why is a scavenger from Jakku on my mind almost constantly?

What was it Snoke had said in his Throne Room before I had destroyed him? _Darkness rises, and light to meet it._ I could see the truth in those words. Oh, I know all too well how I had been manipulated and lied to by Snoke. But I think that those words were perhaps the only thing he didn't lie to me about. I was the darkness, and she was the light. Together, we brought balance to the Force… and we were unstoppable. I needed her – my light – and I think she needed me- her darkness - just as much. We were like celestial objects in orbit around the Force – she the sun, me an icy, dark moon. We each felt the same pull – to each other, to the Force. Perhaps she could someday accept this, maybe even accept me and this pull we felt to each other.

Finally, with Rey on my mind, sleep overcomes me.

 _I am kneeling once more in front of my Master. I try to keep my mind clear, knowing he can sense everything I am thinking and feeling, whether I want him to or not. I was a fool for bringing Rey here to him. Rey was a fool for showing up here. I had no choice, though. I couldn't fail him again. I keep my head low, ever the obedient acolyte. He lifts Rey in the air, torturing her as he pulls information out of her head. I close my eyes, trying desperately not to hear her screams. I feel Snoke in my head, forcing me to lift my head, forcing me to keep my eyes open as he tortures Rey. He sneers as he says "The girl will make you weak. You care for her, so I will do you the courtesy of killing her now. Use the anger and hatred, young Kylo Ren, to become what you are meant to be." I watch helplessly as Snoke uses the Force to choke the life out of Rey before letting her lifeless body thump to the floor, her head hitting the marble with a sickening, wet sounding thunk._

…

I am luckily in my room, thumbing through the sacred Jedi texts, looking for any clues about how to construct a new lightsaber when I feel the familiar pull of the Force bond opening. I look up in disgust, and that's when Ben starts screaming my name. He is laying in his bed, his sheet pulled down to his waist as he thrashes from side to side, tears rolling down his face as he says my name over and over again. It's clear to me he is in the midst of a nightmare. It's something I am familiar with – waking at night in a cold sweat, my sheets around my waist and my heart racing as I wake.

Watching Ben clearly in agony from whatever is happening in his head pulls at my heart strings, and I go to the side of his bed, reaching out with a shaking hand to touch his face gently. He calms somewhat, and I just take a moment to watch him as he calms, his face relaxed and almost childlike in sleep. He lets out a whimper, another tear falling to his cheek as he whispers, "No, Rey, No.. I'm so sorry.."

Moving my hand from his face, I sit down on the edge of his bed, using one finger to move a tangle of his unruly hair from his face as I softly say his name, hoping he won't take my head off with that damn saber of his when he does wake to find me there. "Ben? Ben, wake up. You're having a bad dream."

…

I hear my name, feel someone touching me softly and I bolt upright in bed, using the Force to call my lightsaber to me reflexively. As it slides into my hand, I look up and see Rey sitting on my bed, her face a mixture of tenderness and shock. Still breathing heavy from the nightmare, I let my saber fall to the bed in front of me, realizing that my face is wet with tears. I should be embarrassed to let her see me like this, but I find I'm not. Rey knows me, she's been the only person besides Snoke to see inside my head for years now. Unlike Snoke, I actually didn't mind her presence there.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, my breathing is still heavy and my voice is still thick with sleep. I realize it's a stupid question, but I must have scared her, sitting up like I did and calling my lightsaber to me so quickly. Rey looks at me like I am insane, one brow raised questioningly.

…

Ben asks me if I am okay, and I give him a look like he has lost his mind. He just woke from a nightmare that had him screaming and writhing around in his bed to find me sitting there, and he wants to know if _I_ am okay? "I'm fine, Ben," I say softly, pulling my hand back from his hair and resting it on the bed beside me. That he showed concern for me before himself was heartwarming, to a certain extent. I searched his eyes for a moment, finding unshed tears, sadness, loneliness, anger, and a tenderness I hadn't noticed the other times I had seen him before I looked away, my fingers plucking at the threads of his sheet nervously. Why was I here,anyway? What was this Force bond wanting from me… from _us_?

Finally, I look up at him again after what seems like forever, my voice soft in the relative darkness of his quarters. "You had a nightmare." I didn't have to question what had woken him in such a fashion – I knew far too well how it felt to be terrorized in your dreams. Ben nodded softly, a flash of fear and sadness both crossing his brown eyes momentarily. "Yes," he answered finally, "Nothing I am not used to. Although, it is a pleasant surprise to find you here." One corner of his mouth quirked upwards for a fleeting second, the ghost of a smile reaching his eyes for that second as well. I had never seen him smile before, and I had to admit, I liked it far too much. "Not my doing, Ben. I was reading in my quarters, and then I was here and you were screaming. Are.. are you okay, Ben?"

…

I felt the typical lie leave my lips after Rey asked if I was okay. "Yes. I'm fine." Why couldn't I tell her the truth of things? Why couldn't I tell her how broken I was inside, how my soul was shattered because she had left me in that Throne Room? It was shattered before then, of course, but her just leaving me there, unwanted and rejected – that had caused the already broken pieces to shatter again, imbedding themselves into my heart and causing lacerations that I didn't think would ever mend. I was bleeding out on the inside, every day torture – meaningless and dull. I didn't honestly know how I had kept it together this long.

I drew in a shaky breath and looked into those gorgeous hazel eyes of hers, the flecks of brown and green mesmerizing me as I finally spoke again. "I.. it's nice to see you again, Rey. How have you been?" I'm such a kriffing failure. I can't even tell the girl I love that I missed her, that I thought of her practically every minute, and that all I wanted was to talk to her. Reaching out with a trembling hand, I touch her hand softly where it rests on my sheet, letting the warmth – the light that I associate with her – soak into me for a moment before I ask her softly, "Did you mean what you said? That I'm not alone? Be..because I feel alone."

…

His hand is so huge as he rests it on mine, and I can't look away from those expressive, soulful brown eyes of his. I see so much pain inside him, so much anger still – yet I can see the light inside him. Oh, yes, Ben Solo still lives inside the façade of Kylo Ren.

I bite my bottom lip as I let my fingers twine with his, not even thinking about it before doing it. It feels wonderful to touch him, I admit to myself. "You don't have to be alone, Ben. I still see the light within you. I know you're miserable. Let me ask you this, Ben… what are your plans for ruling the Galaxy? You know the Resistance won't stop fighting for what we believe in. What are you going to do when everyone you have ever cared about is dead because of the First Order? How is it going to feel to rule then?"

I see fresh pain in his eyes as I say the words, followed by a spark of anger. He drops my hand like it is acid burning his skin and stands, wrapping the sheet around his waist as he does so. I've angered him, given him something to think about, and I know my words have sunk in as our bond closes, and I find myself sitting on my bed alone once more.


	7. Desert Flowers, Spice and the Sun

I ignite my lightsaber as the sound of Rey's voice fades from my ears, not caring that the sheet around my hips has fallen to the floor. Her words have reopened a wound, deep and sacred within me – one of many that I choose to draw off of for my power. Letting a strangled roar leave my lips, I set to work, my saber coming down again and again on anything that stands in my path. I need to destroy, to fuel the anguish and anger within my very soul that _she_ , she with the beguiling eyes and beautiful face sees past somehow. As much as she intrigues me, and as much as I want to give in and run to her, she infuriates me. How _dare_ she mention things that she has pulled from my head? How _dare_ she throw all the things that ever meant anything to me, before Snoke, in my face?

Letting out another strangled scream, I extinguish my saber and pull my clothes on, needing to destroy something other than my quarters. Last time I had a 'fit', as Hux had so smartly put it, it had cost better than one hundred thousand credits for the repairs to my quarters, as well as about three hours worth of documentation for the ginger haired weasel. I so wanted to choke him until the life drained out of his eyes. Allowing myself that mental picture brought a tight smile to my face for a moment as I stepped out into the corridor.

I stride down the corridor, the Stormtroopers passing all shrink to the opposite side as I pass by. They have learned to read my moods by now, and now is definitely not a time they want to draw my attention. The anger is practically making the air around me crackle, and I almost tear the door to the practice room off its hinges as I open it with an angry swipe of my hand.

I need to destroy, to rip and tear until this anger in me is sated, so I activate eight of the practice droids and ignite my saber. I don't think as I go through the maneuvers I had been taught so many years before, my lightsaber and I becoming one entity as I thrust, slice and chop my way through the droids, leaving them in smoldering heaps across the practice room floor. Activating five more droids, I let out a scream and released my lightsaber in a wide arc across the room, causing the droids to fall into two pieces as my saber passed through them. With a flick of my hand, I called it back to me using the Force, my anger sated for the time being.

My comm crackles to life, Hux's annoying voice filling my ear, "Supreme Leader, we have received the scans from Rondros," his voice makes me want to cringe, and it is strange to me that one person's voice can fill me with so much loathing. Someday, I will see to it that Armitage Hux has his comeuppance, but for now, the annoying ginger is useful to me.

"Send them to my datapad, _General_ ," I sneer the last word, letting Hux know exactly how I feel about the title.

"Yes, _Supreme Leader_." My comm goes dead, and I am left thinking about the many ways I could kill Armitage Hux. It makes me feel better, so I head back to my quarters to look over the data he has sent me.

Three hours later, and I have come up with a plan for the Outer Rim planet of Rondros. It's a backwater planet, with small colonies spread out across it. The main reason I was so interested in it was for its Rhydonium deposits. With the valued element in abundance there, it could easily be refined and used as fuel by the First Order's entire fleet. It was going to be easy enough to gain control of the planet with few casualties, and the First Order would be hailed as heroes when new jobs in the mines were created and new schools and businesses were opened.

Sitting back in my chair with a sense of satisfaction, I order my evening meal with my datapad, and as I wait for it, I stand and turn to the transparisteel window in my quarters, watching the blue streak of hyperspace passing outside. As usual, my thoughts turn to Rey, and I wonder where she is, and if she is thinking of me.

…

"Rey? Do you agree?"

I look up from my plate of food to find Ben's sister and two brothers staring at me. Clearly, they were expecting an answer to some question that I hadn't even heard. Finn and Poe were there as well, although they were eating so voraciously I didn't think they were paying attention.

With a slight shake of her head and a smirk, Jaina Solo looked at her twin, Jacen, and their younger brother Anakin and remarked, "I don't think she heard a word we said, did she?"

I haven't told any of them about my bond with their brother. I don't want to give them hope that I can change Ben's mind, that I can bring him home to them – to _us_. I refuse to give up on him,l though, no matter the odds. A small smile comes to my lips as I remember Han's words on the _Falcon_ – 'Never tell me the odds'. It seems I may have to agree with him on that statement regarding his son.

"REY!"

I realize that I was once again ignoring my friends, a blush coloring my face as I look at them. The Solo's have been so amazing to me, and I have come to think of them as my adopted family already. "I'm sorry, Jaina. My mind was parsecs away for some reason. What were you saying?"

Jacen let out a derisive snort before reaching over and grabbing a piece of sweet bread off my plate. "Payment for ignoring us, little one." I just shake my head at him, a smile splitting my lips now. I have been training some with Jacen, and I find his sense of humor usually makes me smile more often than not.

"I was simply saying that we should probably do some routine maintenance on the fleet tomorrow. I've just had this feeling… almost like a ripple in the Force. Something is going to happen soon, and I think we need to be prepared. While Anakin agrees with me, Jacen here, in his usual fashion, thinks we are as prepared as we need to be. What do you think?" Jaina leveled a gaze at me, reminding me once more just whose daughter she was.

"I think that we should have a regular, and rigorous, maintenance schedule for all our equipment. I'll be glad to spend the day making sure everything is in good working order," I reply, shoving another bite of food in my mouth. Jaina is not only an excellent X Wing pilot, but she is one hell of a mechanic, as well. She definitely has Han's aptitude for both, but she also got the ability to be completely diplomatic from Leia. She was the perfect combination of both her parents. I was glad she was on our side, for sure.

"Told you she would agree with me, Jace," I heard Jaina say as I let my mind wander again. Ben was never far from my thoughts, and I know my words earlier must have wounded him deeply. I had meant them to. I wanted to give him something to think about – because I truly felt that the Ben Solo that lived underneath the mask of Kylo Ren would never want to rule in a world where his family had been utterly destroyed by him and his junta.

Three days pass in a blur of training and doing the needed maintenance on the Resistance fleet. Some of the ships are older – hand-me-downs from the Republic's upgrades to the newest technologies – and they do need to be worked on just to keep them flying. Somehow, we manage to get it all done, and after the work is done, we wait. What we wait for, I haven't a clue.

I wish I could talk to Ben.

I get ready for bed, falling into my rack and trying to clear my mind as Luke and Jacen had taught me. On some nights it helps, and I find myself drifting off…

" _I will give you… one quarter portion."_

 _I huff in annoyance, glaring at Plutt. "You gave me a half portion not two days ago for the same part!" I challenge the large Crolute, hearing the muttering of my fellow scavengers who are waiting behind me to turn their parts in for the day. No one talks back to Plutt if they want to eat in Niima Outpost. I, however, can't help myself. If he could start being_ _ **fair**_ _, then maybe we would work harder and make more money for him to feed his already bulging stomach._

 _Shooting him daggers, I reach forward to take my portion when his hand comes out to grab mine, his face leaning closer to the bars between us as he winks at me. "You know, Little Rey, you could make more portions if you just come to my house tonight. Let me touch and lick those tits of yours, maybe bend you over the table and make you a woman…"_

 _I snort in disgust, grabbing my portion and flinging his hand off mine. "I'd rather lie with a happabore than you, Plutt."_

 _I turn to walk away, hearing Plutt mumble softly, "Someday you'll change your mind, my little girl."_

 _I go back to my home quickly, trying to erase the memory of his hand on mind. Plutt disgusts me, and I know the only reason I get away with talking back to him is because I make him a lot of money. I may be an orphan from a nowhere planet, but I have a natural affinity for making a treasure out of garbage. I make my meal, sitting outside my AT-AT as I eat and watch the sun fade into the sand dunes. Yawning, I settle into my hammock for the night, closing my eyes and picturing an ocean with an island in it, the sun on my face as I dip my hands in the water._

 _Then the door to my home slides open, and I grab my staff as I scramble out of bed, looking up to find the face of Unkar Plutt leering at me in the dark. Reaching out, he tears off my shirt, his large hands reaching out to fondle my breasts…_

…

It was just as I had planned it, I think to myself with a sense of pride as I look out the window on the bridge of the _Finalizer_. It had taken the First Order three standard days to move into position, and with overpowering numbers, we moved on the planet of Rondros. They had shown little resistance, with a fleet of only fourteen ancient clunkers from the old Republic days, and we had made quick work of blasting them out of the sky. I watched in silence as our transport ships moved towards the surface of the planet, knowing that by the end of the day, the First Order would have complete control over the people of Rondros.

"NO!"

I heard the word as the Force Bond threw itself open, and my eyes took in Rey, thrashing about on a small bed in obvious distress.

Stalking from the bridge as quickly as I could, I returned to my quarters before turning so I could see her once more, just watching for a second as she threw her hands up like she was fending someone off in her dreams.

"No! No! Leave me alone!" Rey cried, and that set me into motion. I moved until I was at the side of her bed and gently sat down, not wanting to frighten her more than she already was. I almost reached out to her with my gloves on, but thought better of it, removing them first before I reached out to touch her face, my fingers light on the softness of it.

"Rey," I said softly.

She calmed, a small smile on her face as she relaxed back into her pillow.

I bite my bottom lip as I thought, wondering if I should wake her or not, my eyes examining every detail of her as she slept. Her sun kissed skin, her hair, the freckles dotting her nose. I wondered what it would be like to press my lips against hers, to plunge my hands into her silky hair as we kissed. I wanted that – and more – from this beautiful woman, and the realization of that almost took my breath away.

I ran my thumb over her full lips before reaching down and taking one of her hands in mine, twining my fingers through hers. Her skin was so golden in comparison to mine – I looked pale and almost ghostly next to her. Bringing her hand up to my lips, I kissed it gently before touching her face once more with my free hand.

"Rey, wake up. You were having a bad dream."

I watch as Rey's eyes open halfway, a smile coming to her lips as she mumbles sleepily, "Ben… I missed you."

Her words go straight to my heart, and I offer her a seldom seen smile, squeezing her hand softly. She yawns, and her eyes go wide as she realizes I am actually sitting there beside her. I almost chuckle as she sits up excitedly, throwing her free arm around my neck.

"Ben! Are you okay? I… I figured you were mad at me, and I didn't think I'd see you again. I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad too. I was shocked when the bond opened, I was in the middle of something and had to leave, but you… you were having a dream and thrashing around like you were in agony. Are you okay, Rey?"

I watch as she looks down at our twined hands, a small smile coming to her lips, and then she squeezes my hand and looks up at me, and Maker, her eyes are brimming with tears. I feel it in my very soul – something has made this beautiful woman cry, and I want them to _suffer_ for what they have done to her. Pulling her hand away from mine, she throws both arms around my neck, pulling herself close to me as she starts to cry.

I nuzzle the top of her head, drawing in her glorious scent as she says in a tiny, scared voice, "It was Plutt. W-when I was a girl, he used to tell me that if I-I… became his _whore_ he would feed me more. I was dreaming that he came for me… and he ripped my shirt off and tried to _touch_ me."

She started sobbing then, and I turned more on her bed so that I could pull her completely into my arms, tightening them around her protectively, even though I knew there was nothing that was threatening her at the moment. I wanted to make sure she felt completely safe with me, and that no harm would come to her. I simply would never allow that.

"Shhh, Rey. It was just a dream. You're safe. I will never let anything happen to you. I _promise_ you this. I will _destroy_ anyone who hurts you."

Her sobs quiet, and she stills in my arms. Have I said something wrong?

"You mean that, don't you, Ben?" Rey's voice is soft, yet still full of so much sadness.

"Yes, Rey. I do."

"I believe you, Ben. It terrifies me, but I believe you. I feel so safe with you. So… _cared for._ "

I tighten my arms around her, nuzzling her hair once more. Maker, she smells so good. Like spices, the sun, and some desert flower I can't put a name to. She smells like _home_.

"Because you are cared for, Rey. Do you not remember what I said to you in Snoke's Throne Room?"

"I remember," she said, and her voice sounds so tiny and full of hurt. "You said I was nothing." Her shoulders shake with more sobs, and I pull away from her slightly to lift her chin with one of my fingers so that I can look into her eyes.

"Rey," I say softly, "I did say that. But I also said something after that. I said 'but not to me.' Because to me, you are _everything_."

Her eyes widen as she remembers, her mouth forming an 'o' of surprise, and then she is throwing her arms back around me, her lips pressing to mine, softly at first, then with more urgency. Stars, her lips feel perfect, so soft and pliant, so welcoming against mine as I dip my hand into her hair, marveling at the feel of it in my fingers. Rey is absolutely everything that I never knew I wanted, and I am so thankful that I am here right now.

Her tongue skims across my bottom lip, and I open my mouth to her, both of us taking the time to explore the other's mouth. Her hand ghosts under my shirt, leaving a trail of bumps across my skin as she touches me. I keep my hand in her hair, trailing my other hand over her cheek softly before letting it travel down her arm and across her upper back, before letting it dive down, the feel of her warm, golden skin against my hand drawing a small moan from me as we kissed.

And then the bond snapped close, leaving my mouth and hands wanting and needing her skin under them again. I close my eyes, my hands drawn into fists as I find my way to my bed. As I lay across it I let the tears flow from my eyes, feeling a profound sense of loss, greater than any I have experienced before.


End file.
